UPDATE! Check out our interview with Abby’s Father

As we approach Father’s Day 2010 I am always reflecting on what I have or have not done as a father for the year. Many of us ask, “Was I a Nice father this year? Did I show that I cared?” But another question that am asking myself these days is “Have I prepared my sons for the next steps they are about to take. As a father of a college bound and a high school bound freshman, it is a good question to ask.

Recently, it came to the world’s attention that a young lady, sixteen years old was lost at sea as she attempted to circumnavigate the globe in a sailboat. The young lady, Abby Sunderland left alone Jan. 23 in her sailboat Wild Eyes. During her trip she encountered some stormy weather, losing contact with her parents and others and ended up setting off her emergency beacons which started a rescue effort that included the United States, Australia, and France. She had recently spoken to her family via phone and told them that she had engine issues and that she had taken on water, but felt she could handle things.

After setting off her emergency beacons it was found that there were two boats headed her way from as close as 40 hours away and another that was over three days away.

Reporters on the national news channels spent more time talking to various “experts” that called her parents, Laurence and Marianne Sunderland, bad parents who should be reported to child protective services for putting their daughter in danger. Mr. Laurence told the media later that many people put their sixteen year olds in cars everyday and kids were killed all the time while driving. He stated that very few kids were killed in yachts on the high seas.

Abby, once she was finally rescued, said “I think that a lot of people are judging me by the standards they have for their teens and other teens that they know…and thinking ‘she’s exactly like them,’ she continued,  “They don’t understand that I’ve sailed my whole life and I do know what I’m doing out there.”

The point here is that Abby did take a big risk, but she had a father who had prepared her for that risk. I am certain, based on his and her response, that there was not only a lifetime of sailing prior to this trip, but also a lot of planning. In an age where it seems that many want kids to act “sophisticated” by dating earlier, drinking, smoking, and early sexual activity it seems misguided at best to call the Sunderlands bad parents. They raised their daughter to do what she did, they expected her to be responsible enough to handle the job, and she did. Some of these folks crying about the Sunderlands most likely have kids that do not know what to do about a flat tire and have to call someone to come help them.

Bad parents are those that give kids privileges without preparing them for the responsibilities. In a recent story the New York Times reported that more young people are taking longer to getting out on their own, finishing their education, and paying all of their own bills. Those guys have some bad parents. Children need to learn how to be responsible and then they need to go out and do it. The NYT article went on to inform us that Adults between 18 and 34 received an average of $38,000 in cash and two years’ worth of full-time labor from their parents, or about 10 percent of their income,

I can tell you that my own son who recently graduated from high school will not be a part of that group. He will get some help in college but he is going to college so that he can pay his own bills and raise his own family.

Instead of being demonized, I propose that the Sunderlands be praised for their abilities to raise a daughter who is up to the task of taking on the high seas. You may say that she failed by NOT GOING AROUND THE WORLD, but she fought 30 foot swells, had some pretty big trouble, and survived because she was prepared for such adversity. She is now traveling home safely to see her parents. She learned from her dad who is also a sailor. She probably also learned quite a bit from here brother who sailed around the world last year at the age of 17. We never heard much about him or his parents. So while the Sunderland boy is teasing his sister about not making it around the world like he did, many of our kids are not prepared to even swim in the deep end, much less take on the ocean. It is our job to raise kids that are ready for taking on the world and then we need to launch them.

J. Michael Hall, M.Ed. is the Founder and President of Strong Fathers-Strong Families, LLC. He has facilitated father-child events in schools and Head Starts for over 75,000 fathers, trained thousands of professionals in education and child care and has written numerous magazine articles and book chapters. He is the father to two teenage boys and husband to a beautiful middle school teacher.

J. Michael Hall, M.Ed.

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